What do you think they want, your nuts?

Okay, so that's a wierd title. But it's hilarious to me, and in case you don't know, it's off of Patch Adams. It happens to be, quite possibly, my favorite movie. Not only is it hilarious, but it also holds a sort of life model for me. I've always found a sense of completeness in spreading joy, and it is so cruel for me to be closeted away at home for the summer where I have no social contact and feel like part of me is missing most of the time. I have little or no opportunity for serving others, being able to spread my own wings and stretch my limits in situations that force me to travel outside my precious bubble that I hide in. And usually I find myself with lots of time during the night where I sit up and think or write here in my blog. The night is very comforting to me, cool and quiet, a place of refuge from the pressures of life.
However, the comfort seems short-lived tonight. I've been reading other people's blogs and find all too often the strength of character they have, being themselves, even though they don't really know who they are exactly, but nonetheless existing with ease. I find that hard, a lot. I don't feel like I can accept who I've been so far. I feel like the bad I've done through life is so similar in proportions to the good. I'm constantly evaluating and criticizing thoughts, emotions, motives, choices, everything. I want to be me, but I have this sense of dread that maybe I'm not allowed to relax my vigil. Almost as if just being myself is a privelage that's been revoked.
I also think that maybe if I just work at serving other people and their needs that I'll be able to forget my own. But how can I do that when I'm not working at my greatest potential. I feel that I'm taking care of things in the wrong order, that first I should take care of how messed up I am and only then can I give myself fully over to the work. Ha, I think I've had a personal revelation just now. For minutes I've been ranting on about all this and just now I've hit upon what I just said.
In Alma, about chapter 51, it speaks of Moroni dealing with the king-men during a war with the Lamanites. It is one of my favorite stories in the entire book. Moroni is trying to fight off the Lamanites but can't get any help because of the rebellion in the capitol by the king-men who are trying to overthrow the government and elect a king. So Moroni marches on over to Zarahemla and confronted those rebellious king-men and gave them option A or B: Join our fight for freedom or I will slay you right here and now. And then he did it, those who refused he killed, and the others lived on to fight for a righteous cause.
I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm similar to those king-men, and Moroni would be similar to... I'd say the Spirit of the Lord. And the war with the Lamanites would definately be, at least at this time in my life, my upcoming mission experience. I've been struggling with my own imperfections for so long, and the time has come to draw the line and take a stance. Not somewhere in the middle, or maybe sleeping on it and getting back to you in the morning thing, but a solid yes, or no. I need to make sure I'm in tip-top condition to be able to fight the good fight, and be able to stand strong on my own two legs without any doubt to hold me back. Whatever it takes.

Personal Revelation

Oh what growth I have seen in the past few days. I love more now, I feel more now. For a long time I have been dead, no feelings on the inside, I refused to feel or to love. It was so much easier to have no feelings and to block out other people's love for me. But I have tasted of the good fruits again, even if just a tiny portion, and yet it is so good. I am so happy to see some good has come from my struggles to improve and overcome my weakness' and pride. I am beginning to let go of my anger that I so often hid behind and am beginning to use my heart in showing kindness and almost love. It is hard though, pride gets in the way. But I will continue to grow and to enahance the quality of my life.

After coming home from visiting college I have seen a great change in my heart. After hearing the testimonies given and feeling of the Spirit that is on the campus and in the hearts of it's people, a greater desire has come upon me to do good and work harder. This desire of the spirit overcomes the desires of the mind and flesh, invigorating the soul and bringing joy. I have a hope that all who are struggling, especially my close friend, will find strength within themselves to pull through. I have a picture on my wall, with some words next to it. It reads:

"The way may be difficult at times but I will always be there"

The picture is of Christ. I don't fully understand how it is that he can take my sins from me and make me whole, I don't think I'll come to fully know for a very long time. But I do know that he can, if I let him. If I let go of my mistakes and move on. Haha, my institute teacher, a rebel in his days of youth and now one of the most spiritual men that I know, once said something to our class about sin. "We all sin. Don't dwell on it. So you sinned, okay, get over it and move on." I thought this was such an optimistic look at it. I liked it because I beat myself up over the things I've done in the past, for years I've beat myself up over it all. But that began to change when I was in a interview with my Stake President for a Temple Endowment Recommend. In response to me telling him how I beat myself up over my erring ways, he said:

"You know, beating yourself up about those things can be sinful."

His words knocked the socks off of me. I almost dropped my jaw right there. But as time continued, I've come to see he's right. We are going to sin, duh! God knows that, or else he wouldn't need a plan to redeem us from our sins. But it is our responsibility as imperfect children to not further impede our spiritual growth by not forgiving ourselves of our own trespasses.

"...the Lord will forgive whom he will forgive, but men must forgive all." (D&C 64:10, emphasis added)

It specifically says ALL, which includes oneself. If we don't forgive ourselves, how can God forgive us? We are single-handedly stopping the Lord from showing his infinite mercy towards us by not forgiving ourselves. And to stop the Eternal Father from showing forth his love would definately be defined as sinful if you ask me.

Be true to your faith and to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We must press forward. Life is like going up an escalator that is going down, if we aren't constantly moving our legs forward and upward, then we'll be pulled down just like the rest of the people in this world who are just along for the ride.

Seeing Friends

Yes! In just two days I'll be heading up to Rexburg to see my best friends in this whole world, actually, my only friends really. I've grown so close to the wonderful people that I met up at school that I don't know what I do without them here back home. I see that my potential to be a better person has gradually diminished over the summer with a lack of friends. Any gift that I might have to bring a little laughter to other people has grown dormant, and that makes me so sad. The only thing that I want in this world is to see those I care about happy, I love to see that shining light of joy in their eyes and laughter all around, it's what lifts me up, what gives me strength and hope in a world full of so much that is in opposition to the Spirit of the Lord.
You see, all my years before going to BYU-Idaho, I had one friend who I saw very little of and who wasn't even a member of the church. I was literally a social outcast in my school and I really didn't have much self-worth. When I went up to Rexburg, however, I finally found out what it was like to have friends, ones that shared my beliefs and standards. Most of all, they were honest and genuine. For the first time that in my life that I could remember, people complimented me, and that small aspect of their friendship meant so much. I know that may sound silly, but it's something I've never had. That's why my friends mean so much to me and why I enjoy going to Ricks so much. I don't want you to think that I don't love my family. I do, and I'm sure I'll learn to appreciate them above anything else on this earth as I grow up. But at this stage in my life friends are very important to me.
Oh! I can't wait, it'll be great to laugh freely again, and to smile so much that my cheeks hurt. An entire summer of daily drudgery and unsociableness is worth it, for just those few days of spending some time with friends before my mission.

Midnight Marathon

My goodness, the only time I come on here is around midnight, must be my difficulty with insomnia. Oh well, glad whoever is reading this could take some time and enjoy my company for a while.
Today was a pretty swell day, just went shopping for all my white shirts, slacks, and shoes for my mission. You should've seen the ladies face in Van Heusen when I asked her if she could get me 10 white dress shirts and 4 pairs of slacks. I made the same face, however, when she said matter-of-factly to me: "So, you're going on a mission are you." Ha, I was so suprised, but at the same time very happy, just to know that we, Mormons, have certain qualities to us that allow us to stand out in these latter days. I'm am so happy that I've been raised in such a way that has allowed me to be prepared to serve the Lord and to have a desire to do well in life. I pity those who have been raised in environments without love, happiness, or peace. But I hold even greater respect for those people who have been raised in those settings and have come out strong and valiant.
Okay, off my soapbox or whatever you call it. I'd like to let all my friends know, at least those who read this, that I feel so honored to have had you as my friends, and I am truly thankful for the joy you have brought me and good influence you have been to me. I hope to see you all soon.

Mwahahaha, it is alive!

Alright! My second blog, and my first public one. Kinda scary. I figure a publice blog is a fun way to vent or ramble and allow friends to see the wierd side of me, even while I'm away from school, which is where almost all of my friends are.
As the date for me entering the MTC has drawn nearer and nearer, I've been frantically searching my life to find a sense of security in know that my life is in order and that I have sufficiently prepared for the challenges ahead. I am often times discouraged though, being back home in the regular routine of going to work all day long and then coming home for some food and sleep has caused me to lose hold of being cheerful all the time and keeping my mind sharp and aware. I'm always thinking I've not made enough good choices in life, or I blow every little mistake I make into something way out of proportion. I'm losing the ability to have faith in myself and to be able to be honest with myself, because I often feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. I'm sure this will sound not very nice, but I can't wait to get away from my home again. It is so hard to be able to strengthen my abilities to make tough decisions, mature through having more responsibilities, and other necessary things for being able to take care of myself in a foreign country for TWO YEARS when I'm am living at home under my mom's thumb and the only thing I'm doing besides living at home is going to work every day.
I love being home, and spending time with my family, but I need more growth in my life, and that's not going to happen until I get out their on my own. . . and I can't wait!

Blogging at midnight, take two.

Okay, so I figured my first blog was a wee bit on the dreary side and that is totally not me. Which I finally came to conclude after reading what I'd written and also remembering the good ol' days back at school. Hmm... let's do a quick update on my life:
I'm back home in the countryside of Oregon living on our 11 acre plot of land that is almost devoid of all human life. My nearest neighbor and friend is about two fields away and he's usually working all the time like me, so we never see each other. Right now I'm employed at a grain elevator (It's where farmers take their wheat and put it in big bins, then we put the wheat onto barges that take the wheat down the Columbia River to Portland, and then it gets shipped to Taiwan or some place like that) and will continue my many adventures there until September when I'll leave for the MTC and then to the Land Down Under.
Work is awesome, though it seems like a dull place to others. I'm always sneaking up on my co-workers, Joey and Dave, trying to scare them but most of the times my plans are foiled by an ill-timed turn of their heads in my direction while I'm crouched in my raptor position (imagine Calvin and Hobbes when Calvin would pretend he was a T-rex) ready to pounce. I also have become friends with a wide variety of animals there including a Kingsbird (The little guy in the picture), a pidgeon, a bull snake, three baby mice (unfortunately the bull snake became acquainted with them also), and a Rockchuck (cousin of the woodchuck).
I would never have dreamed of how many exciting things I would be able to do at my job. For an entire week I worked on a catwalk 125 feet of the ground and then later in some underground passageways about 20 feet below ground, and lastly I am working on a large river-barge at least once a week.
Haha, the coolest thing is that my sister works out there with me also, she sits in the scale house and weighs trucks in and out. She has of late taken up the worshiping of the sun gods, a.k.a. sunbathing. This has proved an inconvenience to me for an odd reason I will explain. One of my coworkers has developed a habit of sneaking over to the the scale house and "accidentally" intruded on my sister while in the process of soaking up the sun. Now don't fret, she wasn't dressed imodestly, just in beach attire. Being her brother and all, I have to protect her from these intrusions and had to devise my own code for notifying her when my coworker was going over to where she sunbathes. The signal was for me to call over the walkie-talkie and use a rarely used color in my sentece. For instance today, as I saw him approaching the scale house, I said: "Um, ya, this water out here looks very periwinkle if you ask me. Or maybe it's more of a sea green, or pea green." Of course I sounded like an idiot over the radio seeing as how Jennie, my sister, was the only other person listening on the walkie-talkies there who knew I wasn't going around the bend babbling on about the water's color. Jennie, however, was saved from being intruded upon, even though my boss started to look at me funny no doubt thinking I'd spent just a little too much time under the sun.
I believe I have done well enough in bringing my avid readers up to date on my daily happenings so far.

Once Upon a Couch...

Hmm, that's me, and uh, that's the couch. We tend to both get along quite well.