What do you think they want, your nuts?

Okay, so that's a wierd title. But it's hilarious to me, and in case you don't know, it's off of Patch Adams. It happens to be, quite possibly, my favorite movie. Not only is it hilarious, but it also holds a sort of life model for me. I've always found a sense of completeness in spreading joy, and it is so cruel for me to be closeted away at home for the summer where I have no social contact and feel like part of me is missing most of the time. I have little or no opportunity for serving others, being able to spread my own wings and stretch my limits in situations that force me to travel outside my precious bubble that I hide in. And usually I find myself with lots of time during the night where I sit up and think or write here in my blog. The night is very comforting to me, cool and quiet, a place of refuge from the pressures of life.
However, the comfort seems short-lived tonight. I've been reading other people's blogs and find all too often the strength of character they have, being themselves, even though they don't really know who they are exactly, but nonetheless existing with ease. I find that hard, a lot. I don't feel like I can accept who I've been so far. I feel like the bad I've done through life is so similar in proportions to the good. I'm constantly evaluating and criticizing thoughts, emotions, motives, choices, everything. I want to be me, but I have this sense of dread that maybe I'm not allowed to relax my vigil. Almost as if just being myself is a privelage that's been revoked.
I also think that maybe if I just work at serving other people and their needs that I'll be able to forget my own. But how can I do that when I'm not working at my greatest potential. I feel that I'm taking care of things in the wrong order, that first I should take care of how messed up I am and only then can I give myself fully over to the work. Ha, I think I've had a personal revelation just now. For minutes I've been ranting on about all this and just now I've hit upon what I just said.
In Alma, about chapter 51, it speaks of Moroni dealing with the king-men during a war with the Lamanites. It is one of my favorite stories in the entire book. Moroni is trying to fight off the Lamanites but can't get any help because of the rebellion in the capitol by the king-men who are trying to overthrow the government and elect a king. So Moroni marches on over to Zarahemla and confronted those rebellious king-men and gave them option A or B: Join our fight for freedom or I will slay you right here and now. And then he did it, those who refused he killed, and the others lived on to fight for a righteous cause.
I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm similar to those king-men, and Moroni would be similar to... I'd say the Spirit of the Lord. And the war with the Lamanites would definately be, at least at this time in my life, my upcoming mission experience. I've been struggling with my own imperfections for so long, and the time has come to draw the line and take a stance. Not somewhere in the middle, or maybe sleeping on it and getting back to you in the morning thing, but a solid yes, or no. I need to make sure I'm in tip-top condition to be able to fight the good fight, and be able to stand strong on my own two legs without any doubt to hold me back. Whatever it takes.