What do you think they want, your nuts?

Okay, so that's a wierd title. But it's hilarious to me, and in case you don't know, it's off of Patch Adams. It happens to be, quite possibly, my favorite movie. Not only is it hilarious, but it also holds a sort of life model for me. I've always found a sense of completeness in spreading joy, and it is so cruel for me to be closeted away at home for the summer where I have no social contact and feel like part of me is missing most of the time. I have little or no opportunity for serving others, being able to spread my own wings and stretch my limits in situations that force me to travel outside my precious bubble that I hide in. And usually I find myself with lots of time during the night where I sit up and think or write here in my blog. The night is very comforting to me, cool and quiet, a place of refuge from the pressures of life.
However, the comfort seems short-lived tonight. I've been reading other people's blogs and find all too often the strength of character they have, being themselves, even though they don't really know who they are exactly, but nonetheless existing with ease. I find that hard, a lot. I don't feel like I can accept who I've been so far. I feel like the bad I've done through life is so similar in proportions to the good. I'm constantly evaluating and criticizing thoughts, emotions, motives, choices, everything. I want to be me, but I have this sense of dread that maybe I'm not allowed to relax my vigil. Almost as if just being myself is a privelage that's been revoked.
I also think that maybe if I just work at serving other people and their needs that I'll be able to forget my own. But how can I do that when I'm not working at my greatest potential. I feel that I'm taking care of things in the wrong order, that first I should take care of how messed up I am and only then can I give myself fully over to the work. Ha, I think I've had a personal revelation just now. For minutes I've been ranting on about all this and just now I've hit upon what I just said.
In Alma, about chapter 51, it speaks of Moroni dealing with the king-men during a war with the Lamanites. It is one of my favorite stories in the entire book. Moroni is trying to fight off the Lamanites but can't get any help because of the rebellion in the capitol by the king-men who are trying to overthrow the government and elect a king. So Moroni marches on over to Zarahemla and confronted those rebellious king-men and gave them option A or B: Join our fight for freedom or I will slay you right here and now. And then he did it, those who refused he killed, and the others lived on to fight for a righteous cause.
I guess what I'm getting at here is that I'm similar to those king-men, and Moroni would be similar to... I'd say the Spirit of the Lord. And the war with the Lamanites would definately be, at least at this time in my life, my upcoming mission experience. I've been struggling with my own imperfections for so long, and the time has come to draw the line and take a stance. Not somewhere in the middle, or maybe sleeping on it and getting back to you in the morning thing, but a solid yes, or no. I need to make sure I'm in tip-top condition to be able to fight the good fight, and be able to stand strong on my own two legs without any doubt to hold me back. Whatever it takes.

Personal Revelation

Oh what growth I have seen in the past few days. I love more now, I feel more now. For a long time I have been dead, no feelings on the inside, I refused to feel or to love. It was so much easier to have no feelings and to block out other people's love for me. But I have tasted of the good fruits again, even if just a tiny portion, and yet it is so good. I am so happy to see some good has come from my struggles to improve and overcome my weakness' and pride. I am beginning to let go of my anger that I so often hid behind and am beginning to use my heart in showing kindness and almost love. It is hard though, pride gets in the way. But I will continue to grow and to enahance the quality of my life.

After coming home from visiting college I have seen a great change in my heart. After hearing the testimonies given and feeling of the Spirit that is on the campus and in the hearts of it's people, a greater desire has come upon me to do good and work harder. This desire of the spirit overcomes the desires of the mind and flesh, invigorating the soul and bringing joy. I have a hope that all who are struggling, especially my close friend, will find strength within themselves to pull through. I have a picture on my wall, with some words next to it. It reads:

"The way may be difficult at times but I will always be there"

The picture is of Christ. I don't fully understand how it is that he can take my sins from me and make me whole, I don't think I'll come to fully know for a very long time. But I do know that he can, if I let him. If I let go of my mistakes and move on. Haha, my institute teacher, a rebel in his days of youth and now one of the most spiritual men that I know, once said something to our class about sin. "We all sin. Don't dwell on it. So you sinned, okay, get over it and move on." I thought this was such an optimistic look at it. I liked it because I beat myself up over the things I've done in the past, for years I've beat myself up over it all. But that began to change when I was in a interview with my Stake President for a Temple Endowment Recommend. In response to me telling him how I beat myself up over my erring ways, he said:

"You know, beating yourself up about those things can be sinful."

His words knocked the socks off of me. I almost dropped my jaw right there. But as time continued, I've come to see he's right. We are going to sin, duh! God knows that, or else he wouldn't need a plan to redeem us from our sins. But it is our responsibility as imperfect children to not further impede our spiritual growth by not forgiving ourselves of our own trespasses.

"...the Lord will forgive whom he will forgive, but men must forgive all." (D&C 64:10, emphasis added)

It specifically says ALL, which includes oneself. If we don't forgive ourselves, how can God forgive us? We are single-handedly stopping the Lord from showing his infinite mercy towards us by not forgiving ourselves. And to stop the Eternal Father from showing forth his love would definately be defined as sinful if you ask me.

Be true to your faith and to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We must press forward. Life is like going up an escalator that is going down, if we aren't constantly moving our legs forward and upward, then we'll be pulled down just like the rest of the people in this world who are just along for the ride.